Alex’s Blog

It has been a very long time since I last wrote here. Everyday in my life, I have writing on "Days without Pooi" in Isle of Capri. During this training period, I have met a lot of people. I have met new people in my life and they are very kind to me. Loh Siew Lee, being the first Chinese I know in Carsem… She is nice… Nurul Mashita, collegue sharing the same boss, nice person to talk to and we can chat a lot… Liew Kok Hoong, my boss… Cool guy, moody sometimes, but overall… He is really good at work. I respect him with all my salutes. Edison Lim Boon Wai, good guy but harsh a little… Others, everyone is cool.. I haven’t talk to Pooi much during this traning.. I really do miss her at the beginning but slowly, I miss her only frequently… In this training, I have met a girl… Lee Chiew Li. This girl was suppose to be my close friend but I guess rumours really do spread too fast… She avoided me already. I think I will put her as a memory… The thing I remember most, her car number plate, WJK 8045.

Recently, I met a girl online. Her name, Eunice Ting Jean Nee. I was suprised that she would actually respond to my stuff written in facebook and friendster. Out of so many people, she, someone who don’t know me at all… A complete stranger, respond to me. Looking over the links I have to her, none. Does what Nurul said before coming true? My future wife is someone who has no links to me at all and our distance is very far apart… Seeing what she has typed, "See our distance?" I was shocked and held back. Is she really the one?

But in any case, I don’t want to think so much about it. If it is true, God will decide how I will meet her in person. Jean Nee, nice to meet you. And Pooi, life has never been luckier since the day I started to know you.

It has been quite some time since I last blogged here… Tsuki, huh? In one way, it means "moon"… another would be "like"… haihz… can’t seem to continue any further…

I went to Pooi’s place just now… I feel, different… I couldn’t smile from my heart… All I can do is just fake it out… I noticed one thing, I couldn’t smile from my heart since that day… that day she broke me into pieces… Haihz… Hope she likes that present… I predicted wrongly, she didn’t say anything when I gave her the present.. I was expecting her to say something like, "why you give me a present??"… but she didn’t… maybe I am already a nobody in her mind… That’s leaves me so be alone in the dark without her forever… I hope in future… someway, somehow, she would accept me… and I could love her again…

It has been a long long time since I last wrote here. Well, memories here are mostly just my story during my uni days. Now, having pratical training in Carsem, I shifted to MSN more. Also, in MSN, it is more towards missing the person I love. Although she doesn’t accept me, I will still continue to love her. That is my will… my wish… So, here in friendster blog… I’ll be stopping for a while till I am done with this semester.. probably not coming back also… I won’t know…

Each time I see her name… I feel something… Each time I see the drizzling rain..  I think of her…. Each time the song "Beautiful Girls" is played, I miss her a lot… And finally when I see update in her myspace, I know it will hurt my feelings but I still read it. I am really really trying really hard to discard the feelings I have for her. Even if there is a wound, I don’t want to feel pain. I want feel nothing. No feeling. Nothing. In the end, I cannot. I still have tears in my eyes. Plus with the" "let me take care of you. I love you." I promise him." Who did she promise to with such promise? I want to know but I am already hurt so badly. So much… I don’t undestand why I still keep myself thinking of her even she had hurt me so much. Why…..

Whoa…. finally I get to change my handphone… though it’s temporary one, I find the basic phone J120i is one nice phone to use. Except for the fact that it’s processing power is a little lower than Nokia’s 3610, other features seems okay. No reminder, no games, nothing! Darn. I cannot do multiple alarm anymore. Hahaah…. Lazy people like me needs multiple alarms. However, I find that this phone is good looking and not a bad choice to use as a dispensable phone. At the very least, radio is available for people like me who is too lazy to even considering pressing the buttons for games. Hahaha… In the end, I am very very satisfied with this phone as a dispensable one, coming soon… my very targeted phone in 6 months time! Lolz…Everything is going according to plan…hehe…

Not long ago, before the age of new millennium comes, there lives a boy named Al. He was a small kid with no memories of his past and neither does he have any idea of what he is about to face later in future. He only hopes for love and care all around him. He received some care around him and often he would just took them as if they are there all the time. As time passes by, he slowly loses the love and care from people around him. And so, he lead on his life without love and care. Although he missed those feelings, he just kept it inside that he needs those.

One fine day, he came across a fair girl. A girl that he thought an angel has just descended. He was hoping to be close to that girl but fate plays his life so that he could not. 4 years passed and finally he confessed to that girl. That girl rejected him and he was sad. With that, he set out to find experience in love. He wants to gain that experience and finally hoping to get his angel. A classmate of this boy happens to fall a little for him. He wasn’t aware of it until she told him so. And so, the boy thought it would be a great time to experience what is love. Not long after they started to date each other, they hugged, hold hands and almost kissed each other. The boy was feeling very happy with her and thought perhaps he should just forget about the angel and continue with this girl. However, things turned out rough when the boy started to accept this girl and loves this girl. Finally, the girl left him and he was extremely sad. He wanted to kill himself. He wanted to die there and then. In the end, he didn’t. He gave himself a second chance and this time, the boy makes sure that the feeling must be towards a girl that he feels is The One.

He went to university. He continued his life for 2 years and without any fun in his life. No love. No care. This is when he met a nice cute girl. He didn’t fell in love with her instantly but did feel something about her. One semester passed and finally, he decided to chase this girl. He decided to fall in love again. This time, he felt that the feeling is right. This is the girl that he has been looking for. She is the one. He wanted to marry her and live with her forever. He wants to protect her, and cheer in her life.  This boy made his moves and mostly, failed.

She rejected him. He was very down. He cried out loud. But he did not thought of hating or killing himself. He just loves her. And will always will.

Pooi, I will always be in love with you. I will wait for you until eternity. I love you.

Having dry tears in my eyes is nothing new for me in this semester. Pooi won’t be reading this. I feel it. So, here I want to express out everything that I feel right now, right at this moment. I want to know if she is putting up a barrier in front of me. If she is, what can I do? I don’t know. I just everyone around me… please, in anyway, help me… I tried to do this, turn the feeling around to hate, just like I did to Pei Lynn. So that one day I won’t love her anymore. But I cannot. I really love her. And I always love her. Seeing that guy in her room, suddenly I feel one kind. I really want to cry and hope that he is not there. Really hope that she would just tell me this, "I am not ready for relationship. But if you can wait, wait la… When I am ready, then I will tell you." If she would tell me that, at the very least I know I am already in her heart already. Then I would be more relax. I would be more calm. But I guess she won’t do that. She is really making me feel very very hard and sad. I hope the last day of my life won’t be ended by me.

"Why you ask so many questions?" I was shocked to hear coming out from her. Did I ask that many? No. I just asked if she is fetching someone go or coming back from Central and when. Is that a lot? Why she scolded me? And what was my reaction? Nothing. Just stunned. Her reactions… nowadays I find them hard to accept. I just wanna check out her last day plan. But I guess she would either not letting me know until the last minute because I am uninvited (means left behind again) or she would just shoot me up the wall with a question in which I do not know how to reply.

Man, I was damn hurt hearing that statement coming out from her. Why I ask so many question,huh? Haihz… I am hurt almost everyday by the very same girl that I like most. My feelings are not considered by her and with that, I guess that she won’t even feel a single thing by hurting me. If that is so, why wouldn’t she just smash a metal piece onto me and put me to "sleep"? Why bother just to hurt my feelings?

Feels good to go for a round of hitting golf balls. While hitting those balls, I have nothing in my mind. Just hitting them and continue to do so until the last few balls. At the end of the session, I have only one thing that is lingering in my mind. Yes, it’s the same thing over and over again. I miss Pooi. At the state of missing her, I hit even harder on the golf balls, sending them to a further distance. After hitting the last ball, I went into my car and thought, I guess this is it. Live as normal as possible, for Pooi if not for myself. Anyway, tonight onwards, I have to do some initial study. Got to score the final subject. Pooi, I miss you at this moment typing this blog. Really hope that I can hug you. An undescribable feeling will appear by just going very very near you. A happy feeling that can never be equal to others. I love you for the rest of my life, Pooi.

And so, I have lost my master bed room. It has been decided by fate that this is the way that I have to live with. Not just that, Pooi would probably not forgive me. Suddenly, my life has a turn around and bite me. So, what is next? Had an accident. Spoiled my car. Haihz…. This is when I start to say, is my life turning grey again? I guess so. I feel that Pooi is going to leave me alone. Pooi, can you please don’t leave me alone? I don’t want to be alone. I admit defeat. Whatever you want, I give. Space, time, continum, everything… I will try to give… I just don’t want to be alone. I lost to myself. I won God on the bet and lost to God’s pride. His powers are probably undeniable and sometimes, I really hate God. Not just ignoring my wishes, He adds misery to me some more. Haihz… Enough already, God. Please just once, bless me and Pooi together. Then whatever misery God wants to continue to torture me, go ahead. Because at the end of the day, I still will be very happy because I have Pooi in my heart.